Dating can be vulnerable enough without worrying about what someone will think when they see your body.
For people living with hidradenitis suppurativa (HS), a chronic inflammatory skin condition that can cause painful lumps, abscesses, tunnels, drainage, and scarring, dating can come with another layer of anxiety: When do I tell someone I have HS—and what will happen when they see it?
Will they think I’m unclean? Will they be disgusted by my scars? Will they think HS is contagious? Will they still find me attractive?
Those questions can be powerful enough to make some people avoid dating altogether. And HS can affect much more than the skin. Mayo Clinic notes that the condition can interfere with daily life and emotional well-being, while Cleveland Clinic says the pain and stress of managing HS can affect mental health and sex life.
“Hidradenitis suppurativa is potentially an emotionally devastating disease,” says Dr. Fiona Rahbar, a board-certified dermatologist and founder of Mara Dermatology. She has treated young people who avoid dating because of HS, as well as patients who lose time at work because of pain and loss of function.
But HS does not make someone unworthy of love, intimacy, or a relationship.
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When Should You Tell Someone You Have HS?
There isn’t one correct timeline for disclosing HS to a new partner.
“This is such a complex question, and there is not one right answer,” Dr. Rahbar says. “You have to build a level of trust with another person, as well as gauge their degree of understanding/willingness to be open.”
Dr. Mercy Odueyungbo, a board-certified dermatologist and Dermatology Ambassador at Ezderm, agrees that the timing depends partly on the relationship. If you’re simply dating for friendship, she says, you may not need to disclose your condition. But many of her patients choose to share their history of HS when a relationship becomes intimate.
You don’t owe everyone an explanation of your body. Instead, consider what feels appropriate for the relationship and what your partner needs to understand before becoming physically intimate.
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How Do You Explain HS Without Making It a Confession?
The medical name alone can sound intimidating, especially to someone who has never heard of the condition.
Dr. Odueyungbo suggests starting with something familiar.
“You can explain HS as a very exaggerated form of acne,” she says. “It’s inflammation of the hair follicle that can develop into boils or pustules.”
You can explain that HS commonly affects areas such as the underarms, groin, breasts, buttocks, and inner thighs. It can cause painful lumps, drainage, and scarring, and symptoms can come and go.
- HS is a chronic inflammatory condition.
- It isn’t contagious.
- It isn’t caused by poor hygiene.
- Flares can be painful and can sometimes affect intimacy.
- Scars or changes in skin texture can remain even when an active flare has improved.
Cleveland Clinic specifically points out that HS isn’t an infection, isn’t contagious, and isn’t from having poor hygiene.
And remember: you’re explaining a health condition, not confessing to something you’ve done wrong.
“People who have HS should not feel personally responsible,” Dr. Rahbar says. “Therefore, a discussion of HS should be a scientific one, not a confession.”
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What If They See Your Scars?
This may be the hardest part.
HS can cause scarring and changes in skin texture, often in areas that aren’t normally visible to other people. Some lesions can also leak fluid or develop an odor.
In a Reddit community for people living with HS, one 30-year-old woman described avoiding a coworker she was attracted to because she feared how he would react to the scars and hyperpigmentation on her body. She worried he might be disgusted, tell others what he saw, or even affect her life at work.
Another member responded from the opposite side of the experience, describing a four-year relationship with a man whose HS had worsened, improved, and required multiple treatments and surgeries. Their relationship continued through those changes.
Other people in the discussion described struggling with body comparisons and turning to therapy to work through the emotional impact of HS.
The takeaway isn’t that every potential partner will respond perfectly. It’s that the fear of rejection can sometimes arrive long before the rejection itself.
If you’ve spent years feeling self-conscious about your skin, it’s easy to assume someone else will see your body as harshly as you do. But you don’t actually know how another person will respond until you give them the chance.
You can be nervous and still go on the date.
And if body-image concerns or dating anxiety are keeping you from relationships you want, therapy can be another form of support.
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When HS Affects Intimacy
HS can affect some of the most sensitive parts of the body, including the underarms, breasts, buttocks, and genitals. Pain, active flares, drainage, or tenderness can make certain types of physical contact uncomfortable.
That doesn’t mean intimacy has to disappear.
It may mean:
- communicating about what feels comfortable
- asking your partner to be gentle, or
- finding other ways to be physically close when a flare makes certain activities uncomfortable
One person in an HS community described having a partner of eight years who understands that intimacy sometimes needs to look different depending on symptoms. They communicate about how they feel and explore other forms of intimacy when intercourse isn’t comfortable.
Dr. Rahbar also points out that treating HS itself can make a difference in how someone feels about intimacy and their body.
“When the pain is treated, this will naturally lead to more body confidence and comfort,” she says.
If pain is interfering with dating, sex, work, or everyday life, don’t assume you have to live with it. Mayo Clinic notes that treatment with medications, procedures, surgery, or a combination can help control HS symptoms and prevent complications.
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Have a Plan for Flare-Ups
Dating with HS doesn’t mean pretending the condition won’t occasionally get in the way.
Planning can make those moments less stressful.
If you know certain situations tend to aggravate your symptoms, talk with your healthcare provider about ways to manage them. Dr. Rahbar recommends practical preparation, such as wearing comfortable, loose-fitting clothing and keeping gauze or bandages available if you experience draining lesions.
Cleveland Clinic also recommends loose-fitting clothing as one way to reduce irritation.
And tell your partner what actually helps.
Maybe you need extra time getting ready. Maybe you don’t want anyone touching a particular area during a flare. Maybe you need to cancel plans. Maybe you want company but don’t want to talk about your symptoms.
Be specific. The more clearly you communicate what you need, the less your partner has to guess.
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What Makes Someone a Good Partner for a Person With HS?
You don’t need someone who pretends HS doesn’t exist.
You need someone willing to understand it.
That might mean a partner who:
- Asks questions rather than making assumptions
- Understands that HS isn’t contagious
- Doesn’t equate HS with poor hygiene
- Respects your boundaries during flares
- Understands that pain or symptoms may change what feels comfortable
- Doesn’t make your scars or skin the center of the relationship
- Supports you without treating you like you’re fragile
And that standard works both ways. A new partner is allowed to have questions. You’re allowed to have boundaries around what you’re ready to discuss. Both people get to decide whether the relationship feels safe, respectful, and worth pursuing.
Dr. Rahbar says some of the strongest relationships she’s seen involve partners who become part of the patient’s support system.
“The most successful relationships I have seen are people who find partners who then become part of their care team,” she says. “The partners truly understand how difficult it can be to have HS, and they advocate for them, support them.”
HS Is Part of Your Story—Not Your Whole Story
For someone who has spent years hiding their skin or worrying about being seen, self-acceptance can take time.
One person in an HS community described going to therapy to work through feeling unattractive because of their scars. They eventually came to a different understanding: Having HS doesn’t erase sexuality, the desire for intimacy, or the ability to have a loving relationship.
You don’t have to love every scar or feel confident every day. Self-acceptance can simply mean recognizing that your condition does not determine whether you deserve connection.
You can be self-conscious and still be intimate. You can have a flare and still be loved.
And you can have HS and still build a relationship with someone who sees you as a whole person—not a diagnosis.
For someone who has avoided dating out of fear of rejection, Dr. Rahbar has a simple message: “You are not the only one.”
There is a large HS community filled with people who understand the condition and have developed their own strategies for living with it. And some treatments can help improve both comfort and confidence.
“Likewise, I have many patients who have HS who are also in long-term, supportive relationships,” she says. “It is all possible.”
HS Support & Resources
Find Community
Sisters in Skin (HS Connect)
A virtual support group created for women living with hidradenitis suppurativa. Meetings provide a safe space to discuss everything from flares and treatment to confidence, relationships, and everyday life.
HS Brotherhood (HS Connect)
A virtual support community where men living with HS can connect, share experiences, and support one another.
Dating With HS (Private Facebook Group)
A peer-led Facebook community where members discuss dating, disclosure, relationships, intimacy, and living confidently with HS.
Learn From Someone Who’s Been There
“More Than My Body”
Read Cassandra’s story about growing up with HS, navigating body image, and learning that the condition does not define her future.
Find an HS Specialist
HS Connect Dermatologist Finder
Search for dermatologists with experience diagnosing and treating hidradenitis suppurativa.
Learn More
Hidradenitis Suppurativa Foundation — Trusted information about HS, research, treatment options, and finding expert care.
Association of Hidradenitis Suppurativa & Inflammatory Diseases (AHSID) — Patient advocacy, education, and community resources.